Today I celebrate 2 months since my last swallow of that evil Ativan given to me by my doctor. Things improve daily and I have few no complaints related to the taper. The “magic” anniversary will be Christmas when at 5 months out we will be able to breathe deeply and celebrate the incredible ability of our body to heal despite poison created and prescribed by man.
The last month was challenging because I had to deal with numerous doctor appointments for all those things which were delayed during the 18 months of illness. None of these doctors were the ones who prescribed the benzo, yet I faced each appointment bracing for battle – rehearsing in my head how and what I would share regarding my medical experience. Sadly, as expected, the interest level of a doctor to hear a patient discuss negative side effects from a drug was absolute zero. Even as I tried to explain to the ob-gyn my unwillingness to add her voodoo scripts to deal with perimenopause, she practically rolled her eyes and explained I’d be needing them later.
This invalidation of my experience causes me such frustration. If nothing else comes from my suffering, I hope telling my story opens the eyes of someone else who may blindly trust in the medical profession and not do their due diligence before choosing to take or not take a prescription drug.
Rant over.
For those keeping track:
1. Fatigue improves daily. Blood tests show that my anemia, which went untreated because supplements worsened withdrawal symptoms, has gotten worse. I am now able to tolerate iron pills, have revamped diet to include high iron foods and am wondering if the remaining fatigue is just anemia, not taper related.
2. I have periods of great motivation and drive, followed by disinterest in getting going.
3. Buzzing and heart palps are gone.
4. Head pressure, ear pain, teeth pain, agoraphobia, body tightness – all gone.
5. I’m thinking more clearly. Not yet rocket science clear, but able to process more and participate more.
6. I sleep again. Go to bed, READ (squeal on that one), rest and wake. I even get up in the morning as opposed to dragging myself from bed to couch in the afternoon. It is amazing.
To my friends still in the midst of healing from this devastating experience – please hold on. Go slow. Listen to your body and make small cuts followed by holds as needed. Don’t let yourself get in such a bad state by “pushing through” that you end up suffering. There is no prize for being macho, but a great reward awaits you for being wise and heeding the words of those who have finished the fight. I joked often about my turtle taper, but I’m so blessed to have been strapped to a turtle instead of hanging on for dear life to a cheetah.
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